Feelings
Remember the last time you said something like: "I feel that you are acting like a real jerk and you are making me so angry that I might just do something that I don't really want to do!"
Now let's break down this statement and take a good look at why this statement is just as unrealistic as saying: "I feel that it is all your fault that I jumped off a cliff!"
FIRST: The entire statement is an opinion or thought and NOT a feeling at all!! "That" is not a feeling! "That" is a word we use because we have a difficult time identifying and expressing feelings.
Second: The entire sentence is blaming the other person for our own actions! YOU are the one responsible for your behavior! So stop blaming others and step up to the plate and get real!!! GROW UP! Quit saying, "Mommy, he made me do it!"
So...I have a suggestion. Try this simple little formula to help you express your feelings:
I feel...
When I...
Because I...
And I wish...
Here is an example:
I feel angry,
When I see your behavior,
Because I think it is not appropriate,
And I wish we could talk about it.
Now I know that sounds kind of corny, however, please try it. You may have to wait a little while until your own anger subsides and that is ok. Sometimes saying, "Hey, I feel too angry to talk right now and I need to talk about this later", is a very healthy move! Healthy for everyone involved. Just make sure you do talk about it. I don't think there is anything more unhealthy than keeping feelings inside and not sharing them!
This may help to deflate a situation, it also may help you to validate what you are truly feeling. A lot of times when we're angry, we are really fearful underneath. Anger is a feeling that is sometimes used as a defense mechanism. For instance, in the example above, maybe I am really afraid of inappropriate behavior because I may think you or I could get hurt.
Anger is a "camouflage" feeling. Anger is a feeling that can be covering up other feelings. Anger is not an unhealthy feeling, however, the behavior that goes with it may be. So, just notice the next time you are angry. Are you really afraid of something?
FEELINGS ARE JUST FEELINGS, THEY ARE NOT FACTS!!!!
Expressing your feelings in a healthy manner is essential for physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellness.
Now, if you are having a difficult time identifying your feelings, you may want to take a look at the following list. It is not a conclusive list, however, it is a beginning to identifying a few different feelings:
calm, amazed, comfortable, sympathetic, centered, open, content, fulfilled, mellow, quiet, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, energetic, enthusiastic, passionate, surprised, vibrant, blissful, secure, proud, alert, fascinated, loving, repulsed, upset, insecure, anger, empowered, safe, tender, apprehensive, friendly, removed, panicked, scared, aggravated, serene, irked, leery, envious, stressed out, suspicious, hurt, lonely, bored, cranky, livid, ashamed, baffled, puzzled.
Now is that alot of feelings or what?!!?
Yes, there are more feelings than angry, glad, happy or sad and being able to express them helps to improve your wellness.
