What is a healthy relationship?
I do not profess to be an expert on healthy relationships, however, I can tell you that COMMUNICATION is the key to all relationships. You can get that information from any self-help book!!
I am sure that you have heard that communicating is a skill. And for anything to become a skill, it must be practiced!
PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE!
Also, LISTENING is a huge factor for communicating. Now I know that listening to your spouse, partner, child or even your neighbor may be a bit difficult at times, HOWEVER, this is a skill to be practiced. And we are looking at progress, not perfection.
Why do we even want to acquire good communication skills? To improve relationships? To really understand what others are saying to you? To let others know what you really want? To give directions? To understand directions? YES! All the above!
So why not try a few simple communication techniques. First, look directly at the person you would like to communicate with. TAKE YOUR TIME! Let go of the "I know what they really mean" trap. Also, forget the "I know what they are thinking just by the LOOK". Get rid of the crystal ball, unless you really can read minds. If that is the case, you don't need communication skills, you need an agent!
Someone suggested to me, a very long time ago, that I try using this formula:
- I feel...
- When I...
- Because I...
- And I wish...
OK.....now just a few little suggestions. First,make sure you use FEELING words. I feel THAT is not a feeling. I feel HAPPY, SAD, ANGRY OR GLAD are feeling words. Making "I" statements allows you to be responsible for your feelings and blames nobody for how you feel. You can not MAKEme feel anything. That is right. I am responsible for how I feel and how I communicate that to you. If you have a difficult time expressing your feelings, you may want to do what I did. I found a book on how to identify feelings and began to be more aware of what I was really feeling. When you begin to PRACTICE this formula, you may discover, like I did, some of the time I was really feeling fearful of something. For example: "I feel angry when I hear you say you will call me later and don't, because I believe you will and I wish you would either not say that or follow thru." What is really going on is that I feel scared that something may have happened to you. AND, I may be feeling insecure about our relationship and think you are with someone else!!! Now that is getting down to the REAL FEELINGS!!!! And that is the beginning of a foundation for a heathy relationship!
Oh, and one more suggestion: KEEP IT SIMPLE!!! And kind!!!! If you are aware that you may become too frustrated or upset while attempting to communicate your feelings, just say, "I am feeling frustrated and would like to come back to our conversation later." Much better that saying hurtful words and then have to make an amends. Oh, yes. Saying "I'm sorry" is a real big deal in a healthy relationship! Do you remember "love is never having to say you're sorry"? Well, to me, that is hogwash! And don't be hard on yourself. Try and be specific and use feeling words. Be kind. I read somewhere that honesty without care is conceit.
Healthy relationships begin with a healthy YOU!!! When you are healthy in mind, body and spirit then you communicate in different ways. Words are just one form. When you can match the outside with the inside you become real. When you can communicate appropriately, you can feel satisfied with yourself.
One of the most important reasons for learning how to communicate is that you will become responsible for your own feelings and behavior and allow the other person to have an opportunity be responsible for their feelings and behavior. Then, both of you will have the opportunity to change if you choose to. Also, communication allows you to put out there what your needs are for an opportunity to get them met.
Learning to communicate, with anybody, can be a challenge. "Talking" is different than "communicating". Listen to the entire sentence before responding. And please, always be kind. Having healthy relationships start with being happy with yourself. Would you like to be in a relationship with you? Teach your family how to communicate. Your coworker could learn just by watching and listening to you. Your neighbors may hear you when you are trying to tell them of their dog barking all night long when you are trying to sleep. Your friends might learn a thing or two! Well, maybe not. Keep a sense of humor!!!!!
Here is a suggestion that I received from a good friend of mine: When you get ready to share something, first ask yourself these three questions: Is it necessary? Is it hurtful? Is it honest?
Oh, and if you are struggling with how to tell someone that you love them, I have a suggestion. Say......... "I LOVE YOU"
